Monday, March 24, 2014

The Great Saunders Health Quest - Week 3

So, week 3 was an interesting week.  The diet is still going great.  Still resisting the urge to sneak sweets or anything else that sounds absolutely delicious.

But, this was that fateful week that I had my "scope."  That's code for a colonoscopy.  A day of prep, followed by a day of hilarity.

Sandra and I decided that I deserved two cheat meals this week, since I wouldn't be able to eat for over 24 hours during it.  The pizza was awesome the night before my day of fasting.

What you've heard is true: preparation is the worst part.  The day before, you eat nothing.  Clear liquids are your "food."  Somehow, around 11am, the idea of hunger fades.  At noon, your prep really begins.  Here was my lunch:

Broth, water, and 4 Dulcolax.  "Lax" being the key word.  One of them is a normal dose. 

At 4pm, the next phase begins.  At this point, you've already begun to feel the effects of those pesky red pills.  Now, in a two hour period, you have to drink 64oz of a clear liquid.  That's a lot.  Half-way through, you begin to wonder if you can hold all of it.  Oh, and the 64oz has to be mixed with this:

Yeah, the whole bottle.  14 doses of MiraLAX in two hours.  The 4 earlier were nothing compared to this.  I chose Ice Punch Gatorade, which I do recommend.  You can barely have anything with color, and this one is clear, and tastes like fruit punch.  It was good stuff, though I doubt I'll ever be able to drink it again.

You know what?  You're pretty smart.  I bet you've already figured out where you'll be spending the majority of your evening.  I wish I'd been wearing a pedometer...

The next day, you go to the outpatient center, and get all hooked up to an IV, which I hadn't done before.  Yes, the needle is big.  Yes, it hurts going into the back of your hand.  Once it's in, you'll be fine.  After a couple of hours (because, as we all know, nothing runs on time in a hospital) you get taken to a holding area that is pretty busy for being so small.  You'll pick up bits of conversation between personnel that make you worry a bit, but they aren't talking about you. You'll be taken into a room where the deed will be done.  They'll prep you, ask if you're cold, to which you'll respond "Is it really going to matter in a few seconds?"  They'll agree it won't.  The anesthesiologist will warn you that the meds will burn a bit going in.  It didn't, but I felt it work its way up to my head.  My face started tingling at the neck, and worked its way up to my hair.  Then, the computer screen I was watching seemed to turn into two as the next hour of my life faded into nothingness.

Now for the fun part.

Here's What You Should Do:
Have your wife video you after your colonoscopy.

Seriously, it will make it all worthwhile.  I watched it twice that day, and laughed to tears both times.  Sandra recorded about a half hour of my antics.  I remember very tiny bits and pieces of it happening, but that's all. 

Here's my favorite moment:
Being normal.

I suddenly adopt this serious look, and stare at her phone for several seconds.  
"...What are you doing?" she asks.  
"Being normal." I reply.
This was far from true.

I'm going to have to throw together an assortment of clips from the video at some point and put them on here.  Don't worry, I'll edit out the more...rumbly parts.

After I regained my senses, we went and had our cheat meal (my second for the week) at Perkins.  I overdid it...bad.  But it sure was good.

Country Cookin' Benedict and an Apple Cinnamon Mammoth Muffin...and some quesadilla...and a pancake...and water, you know, so it was healthy and stuff.
  As if that hadn't been enough, I had a Chocolate Cherry Piekin for dessert.  (Well, half of it, anyway.)

That kind of overindulgence will not be happening again.  I seriously regretted it.

Oh, as for the results of the scope, nothing interesting (which is a wonderful thing).  The labs also showed no celiac disease.  Who knows what's going on down there?
Days in: 23
Current weight:  217
Pounds lost: 13
Waist: 38
Attitude: Happy
Desire for sugar: Nonexistent
Craving: Burger and Fries
Activity level: low
Cheats: NONE...that weren't easily justified

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